If I'm losing you
by Bedazzle Me
Summary: What if the unthinkable happens? What if one of our loved one dies? CHARACTER DEATH! You wanted more? More!
1. If i'm losing you

Title: If I'm losing you

Author: Bite Beccy

Summery: What if the unthinkable happens? What if one of our loved one dies? CHARACTER DEATH!

Pairing: Harm/Mac

Disclaimer: Not mine! The song belongs to Left eye.

A/N: I don't know if Mac's catholic but for the sake of the story, she is. RR

* * *

"I'm sorry Mac," Harm whispered. 

"No Harm, don't say that! You've got to believe! You'll make it. You'll see." Mac said while she pressed harder on the bullet wound, the tears falling from her eyes.

"No Mac, I won't. You know I won't."

_**Sometimes I can't find the words to explain exactly how I feel**_

_**Cause it's deep, real deep**_

_**And I just hope that you can see how deep it is by listenin' to this song**_

"Yes you will flyboy! Don't let me down," she breathed a shaky breath. "I love you," she whispered.

Harm lifted his arm and laid his hand on Mac's cheek. "I love you too Sarah. Don't you ever forget that."

_**Now let me open up my heart**_

_**And let you read just what I wrote**_

_**When you had took them final steps of death and left my heart broken in two**_

_**But you had to damn**_

_**I wish that I could have a talk with the Eternal Man**_

_**I wish that you was here with me right now holdin' my hand**_

_**I feel I can't go on and don't nobody understand**_

_**Its makes me wonder why **_

_**And if I have to die**_

**_Why is this my biggest fear?_**

_**I can only look above and just let heaven wipe my fears**_

Harm slowly dropped him arm to lie beside his bloody body. Mac's tears were so thick that she couldn't see anything. She brushed them away angrily with the back of her hand. The blood mixing with her tears.

_**Cause if I'm losing you**_

_**And if I'm losing you**_

_**To whom will I confide, who will hear my cry**_

_**And if I'm losing you **_

_**Then will you see me through**_

_**Through the day through the night**_

**_Though you're gone will you stay _**

_**By my side**_

The wails of an ambulance were heard and Mac's heart jumped from hope. "Hear that, Harm? They're coming. Just hold on"

"I can't hold on much longer Mac. It's hurts so much." Harm's whispers getting softer with each syllable that he spoke.

_**That all my nieces wanna talk to the Lord my father**_

_**Thanks for blessing me when the others didn't bother**_

_**Life goes on, got to stay strong**_

_**Hardly done some wrong **_

_**But hardly done some right**_

_**Two will cross a lonely night**_

_**To who's in my heart nobody knows the pain**_

_**A chance to hide it**_

_**Holding back my tears**_

_**A chance to fight it**_

_**But it's buildin'' up inside of me this heavy load**_

_**Help me Lord before I explode**_

_**Please take my soul**_

"Ma'am, you need to move."

Mac looked behind her to see the medics standing there. She separated herself from Harm. Time seemed to slow down. In what seemed like five hours to Mac, though in reality only had been five minutes, Harm had been loaded into the ambulance and a medic was helping Mac into the ambulance.

_**Cause if I'm losing you**_

_**And if I'm losing you**_

**_To whom will I confide, who will hear my cry_**

_**And if I'm losing you **_

_**Then will you see me through**_

_**Through the day through the night**_

_**Though you're gone will you stay **_

_**By my side**_

One loud beep woke Mac up from her trance and she started to worry again. The Medics started to work on Harm as Mac just stared on, not being able to do anything to save her flyboy. "Come on, Harm," she said under her breath. "Don't do this is me, please. I love you."

_**See I don't know if I could say goodbye to yesterday**_

_**Cause when you leave and go to heaven it's so far away**_

_**And I can't even stop to think to wipe my tears away**_

_**But maybe He thought it was best for you to come and stay**_

_**What can I say?**_

_**Just keep your peoples close to you**_

_**So you can cherish every memory they stood through and stood true**_

_**So if you meet that crossroad **_

_**Then you could say that you opened up your heart**_

_**And just let heaven wipe your tears away**_

Harm's heart began to function again just as they neared the entrance to the hospital. The medics rushed in the hospital telling the nearest doctor of Harm's condition. A nurse neared Mac and handed her the papers that had to be filled out and Mac gave the nurse the numbers of people Mac thought should be contacted.

_**Cause if I'm losing you**_

_**And if I'm losing you**_

_**To whom will I confide, who will hear my cry**_

_**And if I'm losing you **_

_**Then will you see me through**_

_**Through the day through the night**_

_**Though you're gone will you stay **_

_**By my side**_

Mac filled out the papers trying to take her mind off what was going on in the other room. All too soon the papers were finished and Mac felt like her heart was going to pop out in worry.

_**And if I close my eyes at night will I see you in heaven?**_

_**And if the Lord takes my life I hope I see you in heaven**_

_**Just wipe those tears away that felt today**_

_**And when He comes be prepared for a brighter day**_

_**Take me away**_

The Admiral, Bud and Harriet came rushing into the emergency room with little AJ in tow. They spotted Mac slouched on a chair. She looked horrible. The blood on her hands would be nearly impossible to wash off as it had already dried. Somehow, the blood had also landed on her hair.

"Ma'am?" Bud asked. "How is he?"

_**And if I close my eyes at night will I see you in heaven?**_

_**And if the Lord takes my life I hope I see you in heaven**_

_**Just wipe those tears away that felt today**_

_**And when He comes be prepared for a brighter day**_

_**Take me away**_

Mac looked up to see her closest friends standing before her. The tears still running steadily down her face. "I don't know," she said shakily. "They haven't come out of surgery."

_**Cause if I'm losing you**_

_**And if I'm losing you**_

**_To whom will I confide, who will hear my cry_**

_**And if I'm losing you **_

_**Then will you see me through**_

_**Through the day through the night**_

_**Though you're gone will you stay? **_

_**By my side**_

They all sat down in the chairs closest to Mac. "Where's Sturgis?" Mac's voice seemed like a little girl's as she voiced the question.

"He's on his way. He was about to board a planeto Florida on an investigation." The Admiral answered.

Mac looked down at her hands and could see all the dried blood. Harm's blood.

"Relatives of Commander Harmon Rabb Junior?" The doctor asked. They all stood up. Mac's knee's felt wobbly but she HAD to know.

"I love you Harm," she whispered very quietly.

_**I'm losing you **_

_**(and I hope that you can see how deep it was by listenin' to the words of this song)**_

_**Oooooh yeah **_

_**Oooooh I'm losing you**_

_**Wooo oooo yeah **_

_**(please stay babe, please stay. I wanna see you, aah yeah)**_

"He didn't make it. I'm sorry"

_**When you're far away there's nothing I can say **_

_**Hope will bring for a brighter day **_

_**And if there's a way **_

_**For you to stay**_

_**Stay in my life oh forever**_

_**I'm losing you**_

_**Oooooh yeah **_

_**If I'm losing... (You)**_

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

* * *

:'( Review:'( 


	2. I will be right here waiting for you

**Title: I'll be right here waiting for you  
****Summary: Harm's dead…now what?  
****Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters. I don't own the song either.  
****A/N: The other 2nd chapter was really, really crap. I think this one is one million times better, if I do say so myself. LOL, cookies to those that review!**

°°°

I'm sitting in the middle of Harm's living room floor, dressed in a black dress. Harm's been gone for two weeks now and today was his funeral. All the tears I've shed and all the tears to come won't be able to compensate the pain in my heart. The pain seems to be getting stronger as every second passes. The memory of my Flyboy still fresh in my broken heart.

_Oceans apart, day after day  
__And I slowly go insane  
__I hear your voice on the line  
__But it doesn't stop the pain  
__If see you next to never  
__How can we say forever?_

There's a message on my answering machine. I played it when I got home from the hospital on that fateful day. I remember the pain as Harm's voice drifted from the machine. It's the same pain I feel every night I play it, the machine clutched at my heart, as I fall asleep. My dream's filled of Harm and all the good things we've been through.God I miss him.

_Wherever you go  
__Whatever you do  
__Iwill be right here, waiting for you  
__Whatever it takes  
__Or how my heart breaks  
__I will be right here, waiting for you_

I know it's foolish…thinking he's going to walk through that door, see me crying on his floor and come running to me to try and make me feel better. I know it's foolish…to knock on his front door and hope he'd open it for me. I know it's foolish…to feel like I'm intruding when I finally use my key to enter his home. I wipe the tears that fall from my eyes, and try to breathe…it's a task I have to remind myself to do every day.

_I took for granted, all the times  
__That I thought would last, somehow  
__I hear the laughter, I taste the tears  
__But I can't get near you now  
__Oh, can't you see it baby  
__You've got me goin' crazy_

I found a box of videos in Harm's closet the other night. As I watched them, I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my eyes. All the beautiful moments captured. Most were of Harm and I, but there were also a few of Harm and his family. There was one particular tape which made me cry uncontrollably. It was recorded at one of the Roberts' Christmas gatherings. Harm and I were dancing. My arms around his neck and his hands on my waist. I could practically **see** the love. I wonder how I couldn't have seen it before. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it again.

_Wherever you go  
__Whatever you do  
__I will be right here, waiting for you  
__Whatever it takes  
__Or how my heart breaks  
__I will be right here, waiting for you_

I get up from my spot on the floor and walk to his bedroom. I lie down on his bed and hug his pillow tightly to myself. I breathe in this scent and the tears slip from my eyes, roll down my cheeks and land on his pillow. I close my eyes tightly and can almost imagine him next to me. **Almost**. The ring on my finger digs into my skin and I look at it. His mother Trish gave it to me right before the funeral. She said that it belonged to me. That Harm wanted me to have it, he just couldn't bring himself to give it to me. I remember staring at it, very much like I'm staring at it now. Straight away I could tell that it was his mother's engagement ring. What I wouldn't give to see him put it on my finger. What I wouldn't give for him to be alive!

_I wonder how we can survive  
__This romance  
__But in the end, if I'm with you  
__I'll take the chance  
__Oh, can't you see me baby  
__You've got me goin' crazy_

The only reason I haven't turned to drinking is because everytime I hold that alcohol filled glass, I can see Harm's disappointed face. The same disappointed face I saw when I turned to drinking last time. Even dead he won't let me do anything irrational. It's unbelievable the effect he had on me. How he changed me…for the better.

_Wherever you go  
__Whatever you do  
__I will be right here, waiting for you  
__Whatever it takes  
__Or how my heart breaks  
__I will be right here, waiting for you_

There's a knock at the door but I don't bother getting up to answer it. After a few minutes of knocking I hear a key turning in the lock, then footstep walking in my direction. I still don't bother getting up. Someone walks into the room and sits carefully on the bed next to me.

"Sarah?" I hear a motherly voice ask. It's only then that I look up and see Harm's grandmother sitting there. A sob wracks my body and she pulls me into a tight hug.

"Shhh," she whispers. "It'll be alright. Everything's gonna be okay."

She holds me until I fall asleep. Tomorrow's going to be another day more. One less day 'till I'm together with Harm again. Until then, I'll live with the pain.

°°°

**Now I happen to think this is a million times better…so review and tell me if you agree! Cookies to ya if ya do ;)**


	3. The Letter

**Title: The letter  
****Summary: Mac reads a letter Harm had left for her.  
****Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters. I don't own the song either.  
****A/N: I know I should be writing the next chapter for Strange and stalking but inspiration came for this one instead. And to think this was going to be a little ficlet. Hmmm…Oh and no song in this one...lol**

°°°

The day of Harm's funeral, Mac was approached by a man in a business suit. She had seen that man a few times and recognized him as Harm's lawyer. He was the one who was distributing all of Harm's belongings. That day, he had handed Mac an envelope. She had forgotten about it until today.

Today, the apartment is dark except for one lamp shining its dull light. Next to that lamp sat Mac, staring at the envelope she held in her hands. The envelope was addressed to her, in Harm's handwriting. A tear slipped down her cheek and dropped onto the envelope, smudging the writing. All the envelope said was 'Mac'. Mac turned the envelope over and stared at the back of it. Ever so slowly, with a shaking hand, Mac opened the envelope and pulled out the paper within.

The paper had been folded in thirds, with a lot of precision. Mac unfolded it and read the first line…and then the next...and then the next.

°°°

_Dearest Sarah,_

_The reason you are reading this is because I am no longer here, by your side. I wrote this letter so you may never forget my feelings for you...because I DO have feelings for you Sarah. Feelings that run deep._

_Sarah Mackenzie…you are my angel and I love you with all my being. I have since…well, truth is, I'm not sure from when…but it I have for a very long time. Sarah, I want you to know, that I will love you forever…even from this side of the grave. It kills me to know that there may come the time where I won't be here anymore to be able to see that sweet smile of yours, those chocolate brown eyes which drive me wild. I must admit, it took me a while to realise that it was you I loved. That it wasn't some left over feelings from Diane. But I know its you I love, not Diane's ghost. I wish I was able to tell you this to your face, but everytime I try, I get this little voice inside my head telling me that it'd ruin our friendship. I hope I can stop listening to this voice and tell you, that way you will never have to read this letter. _

_Sarah, I want you to have one thing clear, I want you to move on. I want you to find someone who will love you as much as I do, who will care for you, who will be able to help fulfill your dream of being a mother. Sarah, I don't want you to dwell on 'what ifs'. I want you to live life, to do things you've always wanted to do, because you never know when the time will come for you to join me._

_I better go now Sarah, I hear knocking on my door. I asked you 'round to keep working on the Stevens' case and for dinner, remember? And you're early…as always. _

_Remember this, I love you and though I'm not here right now…I'm up there and I'm going to guide you through thick and thin._

_All my love,_

_Harm_

°°°

"Oh Harm," Mac whispered into the soft glow of the lamp. "I love you, too. More than you'll ever know."

She returned the letter to its envelope and turned off the light. She made her way to her bed in the darkness. Once she reached it, she placed the envelope underneath her pillow, laid down and let sleep take her back to the good times. When Harm was alive and all was right in the world.

°°°

**Happy Easter everybody:gives everyone easter eggs:**


	4. Letting go

**Title: Letting go.  
****Summary: Mac finally lets go.  
****Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters. Simple plan owns the song.  
****A/N: Again I should be updating Strange and Stalking, but I can't seem to find the inspiration lately. **

°°°

Mac stands with her eyes closed in a brightly lit room. She can hear people talking but nothing registers in her mind. She's in her own world, a world where everything's perfect, but in reality nothing is. Everyone thinks she's moved on, but she hasn't. She just hides behind a beautifully decorated mask.

She feels the familiar closing feeling in her throat and wills it away. It leaves, only to returns a few minutes later, along with an aching heart.

'Oh no,' Mac thinks. 'Not now, not here.'

She pushes herself from the wall she was leaning on and walks to the bathroom. Once she gets there she looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are already red and she watches as her eyes fill with water. She closes her eyes as the tears begin to fall.

A few minutes later, she could finally contain the tears and she turned on the cold water faucet. She splashes handful after handful of water on her face. She looks at herself in the mirror again, satisfied that she doesn't look like she'd been crying and she returns to the party feeling like screaming.

Everyone's still talking, and Mac can hear the occasional clinking of glasses. She can't remember why she said she'd go to this gathering but she had. A soft, small body collides with her and she looks down to find little AJ scurry off.

"Sorry Auntie Mac!" he called as he ran off.

She swallowed heavily and walked out the front door, in hopes of catching a cool breeze. She sits on the porch steps and breathed in deeply. She bit her top lip until it bled, but that didn't stop the fresh wave of tears that filled her eyes. She wiped away each tear as it rolled down her cheek. She got up began to walk, in hopes of slowing down the tears. It had no effect and she kicked a tree, only to cling to it a spilt second later as her tear began to come down quicker and sobs began to wrack her body.

After a good fifteen minutes, the tears subside long enough for her to be able to go back inside, grab her coat, hop into her car and drive off without saying goodbye. She turns on her radio, in hopes on finding a song that'd cheer her up. Her hopes where dashed a second later and she had to park as her sight was clouded by tears.

_I open my eyes  
__I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
__I can't remember how  
__I can't remember why  
__I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain  
__And I can't make it go away  
__No I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me  
__I've made my mistakes  
__I've got no where to run  
__The night goes on  
__As I'm fading away  
__I'm sick of this life  
__I just wanna scream  
__How could this happen to me_

_Everybody's screaming  
__I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
__I'm slipping off the edge  
__I'm hanging by a thread  
__I wanna start this over again_

_  
__So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
__And I can't explain what happened  
__And I can't erase the things that I've done  
__No I can't_

_How could this happen to me  
__I've made my mistakes  
__I've got no where to run  
__The night goes on  
__As I'm fading away  
__I'm sick of this life  
__I just wanna scream  
__How could this happen to me_

_I've made my mistakes  
__I've got no where to run  
__The night goes on  
__As I'm fading away  
__I'm sick of this life  
__I just wanna scream  
__How could this happen to me_

As the song finished she looked up to see where she had stopped and laughed bitterly. She got out of the care and walked into the cemetery. She walked until she found his grave and collapsed in front of the headstone. Her tears fell on soft earth, making it softer still. Her sobs echoing in the empty cemetery. She reached and began tracing Harm's name with her fingertips. She slowly sat up as her tears began to fade. She softly bit her lower lip as she re-traced his name. She kissed her fingers and brushed them softly on the headstone.

She picked herself off the ground and left the cemetery determined to let go, determined to have cried the last of her tears. She entered her car and sat there, hands on steering wheel, for a few minutes. The car roared to life and she drove off into the night.

°°°

**Ah crap. I can't stop crying. Damn song makes me feel so sad.**


End file.
